Communication Guide — Along the Way, Spain

My last post was about just a few of the people I have met that have made this last five weeks incredible. But there are, inevitably, people around that aren't always utterly delightful. It's just the natural way of things. And I know that sometimes I am one of those non-delightful individuals. The great thing about the Camino is that it does wrench the elemental quirks out of us and put them right out there for everyone to see. The travel plan we've all entered into makes it difficult for us to be anything but our bare essentials. This brings out a lot of good in people. And then there's the other stuff. And I can't imagine this place without it. They fall into some basic categories, a few of which I've explored here. 

THE ADVISORS

Michele and I compared notes recently on the many individuals who have been generously giving out their well informed opinions, completely free of charge. There are some standard archetypes within this category. The following mock-ups give you the basic idea of conversations happening across the Camino at this very moment — with a little embellishment and some potential responses.

1: The Weight Checker: "That bag is far too heavy. You will absolutely not make it to Santiago with that. Go directly to the post office or the garbage can before you fall over and die from it." 

— This advice is almost always given by someone you have never spoken to before. So this would not be a good time to start speaking to them. —

2: The Licensed Physician (pssst, not a real doctor): "I see you have a blister there. You'll want to drain it well, keep it clean and dry, and then protect it while you're walking."

— Really? Because I was going to light it on FIRE! Thank God you were here! —

3: The Personal Trainer: "I see your legs are sore. I can show you an excellent calf and achilles stretch. It's really essential to take care of your muscles when you're asking this much of them. Just brace your toes against any wall like so...."

— Oh shit did you take 7th grade gym class TOO? No Way! We should probably plan a spring wedding. We have so much in common already. Why wait? Sometimes you just know. —

4: The Tour Guide: "You should get up, not lay in bed all afternoon. Get out and see this beautiful city!"

— It's best to respond to this with physical violence, not words, as rose colored glasses must often be knocked off forcibly. However, if you are unable to move your limbs due to obsessive daily walking, a threatening groan will suffice. —

THE ETIQUETTE CHALLENGED

 

1: The Nudist: This person can be found shaving leisurely in front of the bathroom mirror in the men's and women's shared toilet/shower/laundry area. 9 out of 10 times this person is a male around 70 years of age, and you will recognize him by his loose white underpants, which will somehow manage to be too baggy and too small at the same time. They will have a well defined stain in the nether regions, which is the only region this clothing item has. 

2: The Sharer: This person likes to have long meaningful conversations with a person who does not speak the same language they do. They share pertinent details about their personal life - likes and dislikes, occupation, favorite artists - all in a slow, simplified speech pattern one usually reserves for particularly stupid cats. Last night I heard a French man say to a California woman, as he tried to crawl into his bunkbed: "It is ok you keep talking, but I lay down now." This is a signal to the Sharer to stop sharing, but it is unlikely to be effective. 

3: The Early Riser: This paranoid sadist enjoys rising many hours before dawn. It is easiest to identify this creature by the piercing beam of LED light streaming from the nuclear lamp on its forehead. Like some sort of electric unicorn. You will hear the rustle of their nylon backpack, and the crinkling of whatever plastic their food is wrapped in, and likely the sound of them whispering to one another. "Did you get my foot cream?" "Yes I have your foot cream." But no matter what the sound, do not, DO NOT, turn toward them or make noise of any kind. This will disturb their nest deconstruction and cause them to turn sharply toward you, pointing their beam of cornea bursting light directly at you. 

There are many more archetypes to be found along the Camino. I will be updating you on these periodically, as I believe we should all be aware the possibility of coming across or becoming one of them at any moment.